In October of 2019 I decided it was time to take a little break from drinking. At this point I had been drinking daily for over a decade and was confident that it would be “so easy” to go without if I wanted to.

Wow, did I have a rude awakening. I think I made it 2 days before I caved in and had a drink. The worst part was the intense shame that followed. I spent the entire month having this internal struggle with myself, going back and forth between the thought that I would not drink today, and the realization that all I could think about was alcohol.

I was constantly berating myself with the thought, “What is WRONG with me?!” Wondering why it was proving so freaking hard to go one day without drinking and simultaneously making excuses for how “normal” my drinking habits were.

I had spent my entire adult (and the majority of my adolescent life!) creating this story in my head around the necessity and obvious benefits of alcohol. From my party hard parents and an early start in the hospitality industry, I was building a firm foundation for the belief that alcohol was the golden elixir of life, a potent and powerful lie that was beginning to unravel by the time I entered my 30’s.

So here I was, wanting to slow down, thinking it would be easy to choose to take a break, and rudely awakening to the terrifying truth that maybe, just maybe I really did have a “problem”.

Sober October was meant to be the break I needed to prove to myself that I didn't in fact have a problem, that I was still in total control, that I could take a break any time I wanted. Except, it happened to prove the opposite, and would be the beginning of a life changing journey to ultimate freedom from alcohol. --However, I had no idea then just how much I had to learn, and definitely had no concept of how much I would really have to gain.

I thought this was the end of my life as I knew it, the thought that I might actually have a problem with alcohol was terrifying and the thought that I would never be able to drink again if I couldn't prove that I could control this thing was absolutely unbearable.

My life was built on the selling and promotion of alcohol, there was no way I could continue my career in hospitality management and NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

By this point my confidence was eroding away, I had obliterated any trust in myself and now it was blatantly clear I was not in control. Consistent blackouts, almost losing my license, getting fired from my job, cheating on my love. Sober October was supposed to be the thing that proved my fears wrong, and instead it brought them to life right in front of me.

What I didn't know then, that I know and help people understand for themselves through the work that I do now, is that alcohol is a highly addictive drug, and that shame only works to deepen the pain and distrust in ourselves. That when we do the work to learn something new we can effectively change our behaviour with more ease and joy than we have ever experienced before. And the biggest lesson of all, that everything we think we know about alcohol is a total lie.

Why am I telling you this story?

Well because if you are anything like me you might be fresh off a month of failure.

If you attempted sober October and failed miserably, I am here to tell you this is just the beginning of a wild and wonderful journey; and that if you hang out with me you might just find out what freedom from this feeling feels like.

Freedom from alcohol is cultivating a deep sense of self trust and compassion. It is being able to take it or leave it. It is a process of relearning everything you think you know and believe about alcohol and asking yourself if it still benefits you. It is claiming your power over the substance. It is never feeling stuck or trapped by desire because you will systematically detach from any emotional pull that alcohol ever had over you.

Failing at sober October was the wake up call that would start my journey to self discovery. It was months before I tried again. The thing that stands out to me when I look back is that here I was thinking I failed, not realizing there was a different perspective I could take on drinking less. What I know now is that we can choose to calculate our success in a new way.

The old way of trying to string days together and feeling like a failure when being back at day one feels miserable, creating unnecessary pain and stress.

The new way is looking at our drinking from an overall perspective. Taking into account how many alcohol free days you achieve during a specific time span. Calculating success based on percentages and setting realistic and achievable goals for where you are currently. Observing the gain rather than the gap - taking note of how far you have come, rather than how far you are from where you want to be. Rebuilding trust in yourself and focusing on compassion over shame.

5 years ago I failed miserably at sober October, and today I am absolutely free from any desire to have a drink, all thanks to the radically different approach of This Naked Mind. Freedom is available to you my friend, and if you’re reading this, just know that I have walked the path before you and have made it my mission to clear the way for all those who decide to follow me in the footsteps to freedom.

Don’t give up, you are just getting started!
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